How to Set Boundaries with Your In-Laws

There are so many scenarios where people struggle to deal with their in-laws, especially if kids are involved. Your in-laws may feel entitled to have a say in every part of your life. For example, maybe they don’t like the baby name you choose, and they take every opportunity to tell you that, or it might be that they aren’t following the same rules as you do for parenting when they’re with the kids. 

Of course, even without kids being involved, in-laws can quickly push your personal buttons. 

So how do you set boundaries with them effectively and without being offensive or combative?

Prioritize Your Marriage

When you get married, that relationship should become your priority. Yes, you’re a son-in-law or a daughter-in-law too, but make sure you’re putting your focus on having a healthy relationship with your spouse. 

When you have a healthy relationship with the person you’re married to, it’s easier to set boundaries with your in-laws because you’re a team, and you’re approaching issues as a united couple. 

If that starts to break down, it’s going to be a lot harder to enforce healthy boundaries. 

You have to get on the same page with your spouse before you can do anything else. If that’s not happening, there might be another issue that you need to face rather than boundaries with your in-laws. 

Don’t Assume You Won’t Get Along, Or Go into Interactions with a Toxic Perception

In pop culture and other places, we often see the stereotypes of horrible in-laws and especially mothers-in-laws. There may be a stereotype that paints your relationship with your in-laws that doesn’t have anything to do with them. Try to be mindful of any biases you may have that could impact your relationship. 

If you constantly think it’s impossible to get along with your in-laws, then it will be. 

Try to always go into things with a positive mindset. 

Create a Connection

When it comes to dealing with in-laws, even when they’re difficult, try to connect on a human level first and foremost. Maybe this is something you do by finding common ground. Some people also find that it helps their relationship with their in-laws to model the behavior that you’re hoping they’ll showcase. 

Try to feel a sense of empathy towards your in-laws. They have their own feelings about the situation and perhaps the changes that are happening in life too. 

As protective as you might feel over your children, for example, they’re also parents and feel a similar way, even though their child is an independent adult. 

Know What’s Worth It and What’s Not

When it comes to setting healthy boundaries with in-laws, make sure these boundaries are things that actually matter. If you’re creating boundaries for everything, then it’s possible that you’re at least one part of the problem in your relationship. 

You have to allow for some flexibility, even when setting boundaries. If your mother-in-law gives your child a single piece of candy, for example, it’s not the end of the world. 

Not everything has to be done your way. Only focus on the things that really are important to you as far as how you raise children or live your life. 

Pick your battles. Otherwise, everything becomes one, and that’s not a happy way for anyone to live. 

Be Clear in Your Communication

If you do have boundaries that you aren’t willing to compromise on, be clear in how you communicate with your in-laws. You don’t have to be confrontational. Just be direct and avoid being passive-aggressive. 

Your in-laws might have different styles and patterns of communication than you, so try to learn what those are. 

Avoid Triggers

If you know there are topics of conversation or certain things that always tend to create conflict with your in-laws, just avoid them as much as you can. Your in-laws are a part of your life, and your children and spouse’s life, so if you know that something, like, say, politics, is a hot-button issue, it’s not worth it to bring it up or engage. 

Set Aside Time for Them

When you have patterns and routines that are reliable and understood, it can help your family dynamic. Set up a regular schedule where you see your in-laws that works for everyone but make it clear that you aren’t interested in things like dropping by unannounced (unless you don’t mind that). Maybe you have a family dinner every Sunday, for example. 

Finally, you also want to make sure you’re giving your in-laws ample time with their grandchildren, as long as you trust them. Grandparents need to bond with their grandchildren and have a special relationship with them.